What's a birthday?

What's a birthday for a young life taken away? How do those left behind make it through another 'milestone' kind of day? I have nothing new to share. I miss you. But especially on days like this, when I know we would have made plans to go to Cali Taco...and we would have had to rearrange them because of something that happened in my day or because you had something to do with friends, or family, or school. We would not have gone as planned, but if you were here at least that would be a possibility.

Now, I am left to my tears; as I am all too often when thinking of you. I think it's time I accepted that this nightmare will not end. I don't think I'm ready. I don't think I've let you go. I think the problem is that I don't want you to be gone. No one does.
My journey now is to figure out how to let you go, while holding on to the memories I have. That so many of us have.
Happy Birthday, Gabe. I remember you thinking your troubles would be over once you were nineteen. I suppose they are for you. But not for me. Not for us left to mourn you and celebrate you.
So, what is birthday for you? I hope only that you are happier now than ever you were with us. I hope that you see how much you were cared for here. I hope someday to cry tears of joy when I think of you, not only tears of heartbreak. I hope. 

The Good, The Bad, & The In Between

I said I would wait to post again. I kept that promise. I also said I would try to read some of things Gabe had written, either to me, or in his personal writings. I did not keep this promise. I feel like I need, rather want to explain.

I started this as way to share Gabe's story. As a way to vent my experience. As a way to connect. I think I may have achieved some of this. I've said all along that something good needs to come from the useless taking of a life. While continuing the work I've begun, I also need this to be part of my grieving process. I am still hurting, still raw, and Gabe's loss is still an open wound in my heart. And I don't know how to fix that.

Time heals all wounds. I know that I need time, but I also need space and the ability to really feel this pain and process it. 

This is the in between. The bad is obvious, the murder, the loss, the needless suffering of so many. But there must be good. There must be good.

The in between is where I could get stuck. I am stuck. I know that the world thinks I should be 'over this by now' that I should be 'back to normal' (someone please tell me what normal is). But I'm not. And I don't know when I will be. I don't know if I'll ever be over it. That may be what I need to accept. And I may be in the in between for a while.

I have shared my previous blogs with many. This will still be open to all, but I am not 'advertising' this. It's getting so real. So close. So personal. But this may be the good that is to come from the horribleness of this situation.

So, I will be writing more. But it may get ugly. And I'm o.k. if this is not for you. 

The good for me thus far, has been being enveloped in the fold of Gabe's siblings and their families. I don't know if I would have the compassion or be so unselfish as to welcome someone into my life that reminded me of the most horrible thing to happen to me. That is exactly the gift that Gabe's siblings have done for me. They allow me to share in their grief and healing. They allow me to participate in amazingly wonderful family events. And they let me remember Gabe and they show me the Gabe they knew and loved from their perspective.

I am in the In Between. I've seen plenty of The Bad and glimpses of The Good. In Between is where I am right now. And that will have to be o.k.